The title of this article covers a wide range of things so I want to narrow it down right now to clear any confusion.
This article is for those things that are within reason when it comes to changing what we want to see in other people. It doesn’t cover extreme areas that require professional help such as extreme violent behavior, psychotic behavior, multiple personality disorder, etc.
It’s more in the realms of those habits, behaviors, and tendencies we feel the need to “correct” in our friends and families.
We all know somebody in our social circle we would like to change and the reverse is true as well. I’m sure you personally know a few people who would like to change YOU too. It’s almost an innate desire in human beings – to change one another to suit the ideals we seek.
So we dive right into it head first. We call out our friends and family on the behavior we deem inappropriate and we strive to hammer into them our point of their need to change. Some, with more tact, try to bring it all about indirectly and softly, but the end result is still the same. The elephant in the room becomes openly addressed.
The result?
We all know what the result is.
A shield powering up to full strength. Strong denial. Rationalization. A host of defense mechanisms. And sometimes, a reversal in terms of accusation as well to get the spotlight off them.
The outcome of all this?
Strained relationships.
Then a cooling off period.
And the same thing happens again.
We bring up the change we desire to see in them and call them out on it.
With the same results.
A shield powering up to full strength. Strong denial. Rationalization. A host of defense mechanisms. And sometimes, a reversal in terms of accusation as well to get the spotlight off them.
It’s almost 100% guaranteed behavior to be expected.
Why?
When you charge head first into trying to change people, you’re basically implying as a result that there’s something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.
And who likes to be viewed as someone in the wrong? Someone flawed? Someone that needs fixing?
Nobody.
In reality, whether we’d like to admit it or not, we all secretly think that everybody else needs fixing except us and that’s just a byproduct of our own inherent sliver of narcissistic thinking that creeps into our minds from time to time.
So even though it’s seems to be first instinct to go right out with guns blazing and overwhelm the person we want to change with logic, examples, and iron clad reasoning as to why they must change as well as to develop counters for anything they might say in a rebuttal, that approach is very ineffective.
The only thing you’ll get is a very strained relationship or in the worst case scenario, a severed one.
So what to do?
Just let them go and accept them for who they are?
That’s certainly one way to go about it. But before we go down that route, there’s one thing we can always do.
Seek to understand why they do the things they do - why they do what you want to change.
I guarantee, there’s always a back story to it, one that will fully explain why they do the things they do and will sometimes cause you to reevaluate your desire to change them.
And even in the event that they can’t think of a reason, you at the very least, get them to think about why they do the things they do. You get them to take a good hard look at their own behavior.
Remember, people just want to be understood. They want to be listened to. They want to be appreciated.
Going back to the point of knowing the back story, it’s important that you understand where the other person is coming from. It’s foolish and naïve to presume to know everything just from looking on from the outside without knowing what’s really going on in the inside. There can be a whole host of circumstances and situations that you’re not aware of that can explain a whole lot and cause you to reevaluate your quest to change them.
For example, I remember back in college, I met this classmate named Kevin. He and I hit it off pretty well in class but that was the extent of it. I remember inviting him to various events and parties throughout the year in order to help him meet new people, which he expressed was a big desire of his, but he always had a knack for coming up with a good excuse of not going. It got to the point where I thought that either he had some very serious issues with socializing which didn’t seem to be the case (and he also didn’t seem introverted as well), or that he was just plain arrogant and egotistical, in other words, deemed himself too worthy of mingling with other people, that he was “above” all that. It also seemed that he was very unappreciative of what I was trying to do for him.
However, it turned out, as a result of getting more information from people who knew Kevin more intimately, that he actually had a night time job as a janitor so he literally couldn’t make it to any of the events or parties. His father had recently lost his job and he was doing all he could to help the family and he probably hid that information from me out of embarrassment, which is nothing to be embarrassed about at all. I thought it was very noble of him to step up and give up his nights while studying in school to support his family.
I would’ve looked very foolish to come out with guns blazing trying to change Kevin from who I thought was a very arrogant, egotistical, and unappreciative person, trying to cut him down and put him in his place when in reality, there were circumstances and situations that I had no knowledge of that contributed to the behavior I sought to change in him.
There’s a lot we don’t see that can explain the behavior we seek to change in others and once we become aware of that, it can cause us to take a step back and see things in a whole new light.
And also, once you become aware of the back story and understand the reasoning behind why people do the things they do, the very things you want to change, you also have something to work off.
Something you can leverage to help them change.
For example, you might know somebody in your social circle who smokes. I think most of us will agree that smoking is not the best habit to have in the world. Frankly, I find it disgusting and very unhealthy and I know I’m not the only who thinks that.
We want that person who smokes to change.
We want them to stop smoking.
So we come out with guns blazing – pointing out how smoking causes lung cancer, dragging out the scientific hospital graphs and pie charts, reminding them of the dangers of second hand smoke in an effort to guilt them out of smoking, etc.
All of which falls on deaf ears.
So instead of going with guns blazing, we ask out of curiosity, why it is that they smoke. Not in an accusatory manner, but in a curious one, one free of any judgment or critical scrutiny.
So they tell us.
And let’s say the answer is that smoking helps them relieve stress (which is a pretty common reason why people smoke).
Now you’ve got something to work with.
Maybe you could direct them to a great masseuse who can reduce their stress 10 times better. Maybe you could show them the wonders of the hot tub or sauna when it comes to relieving stress. Or the wonders of lifting weights. Or of meditation. Or of tai chi when it comes to reducing stress.
Just by understanding why they do what they do, you can start to work off of their own point of view.
Sometimes, this simple act of seeking to understand the other party first and working from there is all you need to help somebody to change.
In an ideal world, this would work for everybody but we all know that isn’t true. It sounds great in theory and when put in practice, will probably work for some, but not for all.
People are resistant to change, especially if people are trying to change them directly or if they feel that they’re tying to get them to change the slightest bit.
So what to do then if all this doesn’t work?
It’s simple.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Ghandi
It all starts with you.
And this is important because believe it or not, there are some people out there that are total hypocrites when it comes to getting others to change. They seek to change aspects of others, aspects that they themselves have not embraced so everything they say to the people they wish to change falls on deaf ears.
If you strive to be the change you wish to see, you can become that small catalyst that ignites the fire to change within people themselves. And that’s arguably one of the most effective ways to get people to change – to get them to change themselves.
When a person makes the decision to change on his/her own, you can’t ask for anything better. No person can do it for them. Only they can do it themselves.
If you think about it, everything we do to change a person is geared toward that one pivotal moment – to have him/her make the decision themselves to change.
It must be of their own volition because only through that can true change exist.
Nothing is more powerful, more effective, more lasting than a person making the decision, the commitment to change because it then stokes that internal fire of desire that rages on, helping him/her to cement that change.
Being an example of the change you wish to see is one way to cut through all the talk and to reach a person’s inner core and touch them in a way that words will never really be able to, to really move them in a way that no speaker in the world will be able to, in order to get them to change all on their own.
And people notice it too. You don’t have to really talk about it all that much. Just be it.
And when they see all the positive benefits and aspects you reap as a result, it’ll get them to thinking about making those changes themselves.
In the end, you have to realize that no matter how much you try to change a person, whether it’s through getting to understand their point of view and working off that or by becoming an example of the change you wish to see in them, that the change must come from within them. It must be internal. It must be their decision - of their own volition.
You can’t change people directly.
All you can do is lead them to that pivotal moment and let them ultimately choose who they wish to be.
