This is another article written at the request of one of the BrianKim.net Inner Circle members. It’s one of the many privileges membership has to offer.

We all know deep down inside that materialism is an empty path.

Always buying the latest, greatest, most expensive stuff doesn’t lead to a better life. Advertising has us believing that though as it’s in the corporations best interest to get you to buy those things. Media portrays celebrity lifestyles of mansions, cars, clothes, and conditions us to believe if we have all that too, it will give us the good life.

But as we get older, we see through the facade.

Yet, we are all still drawn to the path of materialism.

There’s this “magic pull” to it.

What is this magic pull that materialism has on us?

Logically, we know it to be bad for us, yet we want to pursue it.

If we can identify what this pull is, it’ll be easy to avoid falling into the trap of materialism.

Here’s the magic pull.

Realize this:

We don’t want the Ferrari.

We don’t want the mansion.

We don’t want the latest designer clothes.

We want the SOCIAL BENEFITS that come with all those things.

That’s the pull.

Think about it.

If everyone in the world was blind except you, would you still want the Ferrari, the mansion, the clothes, etc.?

What use would it be?

Might as well drive a pinto, live in a trailer, and walk around naked because none would be the wiser.

You would still have the same level of social benefits as far as you’re concerned.

But alas, we don’t live in a world where everyone is blind.

And we know people judge us by what they see.

So we think – buy all the nice things and get the social benefits that come along with those things.

We want to be admired, respected, and get that envious attention from the people in our social circle so we succumb to the path of materialism to get those social benefits.

It’s the dream to pull up to your house with the Ferrari and see the jaws drop and hear the “oohs and ahhs” from your neighbors, especially the ones who have been rubbing their big purchases in your face.

That’s the magic pull.

Sure some will say they just want the Ferrari because it’s a nice car and it’s fast, but deep down inside, the pull of the social benefits is still there acting as the motivational force.

And it makes sense.

Social benefits were crucial to survival in the “tribal sense” back in the day.

But here’s the thing.

Let’s say you buy a Hummer. Does that Hummer garner you the same social benefits you seek if your social circle (the people you know and associate with constantly) say is made up of hardcore environmentalists?

Probably not.

You’d probably be shunned and excommunicated from the group.

This is key here because you have to realize that social benefits are relative to the social group.

If you don’t have a specific social circle that you belong to, it’s a sign you’re having some trouble forming a rock solid personal identity. You don’t know who you are, what you stand for. Because you have no identity, you defer to the most popular social group, which is the group of the majority – which of course extols materialism.

You want the social benefits of that group so you pursue materialism to get it.

Here’s the thing though.

If you’re an exercise freak, you hang out with other exercise freaks. It doesn’t matter if you buy a Hummer. What you want is to be as physically fit as possible, push your body to the limit so maybe you train for triathlons.

And here’s the difference.

You don’t train for a triathlon because of the social benefits of taking that action.

You want to do the triathlon anyway, of your own volition.

The motivation behind it is “taint free”.

And the social benefits are a plus. A bonus. You’re not doing it SOLELY for the social benefits.

You’re doing it because YOU WANT TO DO IT.

Other exercise freaks in your social circle will be in awe of you, will admire you, give you that respect you seek – but you never wanted that directly. You were just doing what you wanted to do. All that came as a byproduct.

So then you won’t feel the need to buy expensive things to give you those social benefits as you already have them.

Other people just get into materialism solely for the social benefits, but they fight against themselves on the way to getting those benefits.

It’s the classic case of the Joe Schmo working at a job they hate, buying things they don’t need with money they don’t have, just to impress people they don’t really like, and that’s no way to live.

Why do things you hate just to get social benefits from people who you don’t really like?

This works both ways though.

If you think of yourself as a worldly person and want nothing but the best material goods in your life, go for it. Find others who want the same thing. They won’t be hard to find. Do what you have to in order to get what you want. The social benefits will be a plus for you as well.

It’s a one glove fits all approach to getting the social benefits you seek naturally.

So the key here is to give yourself an identity. Who are you? What do you stand for?

Once that’s done, you live up to that identity and your social circle starts to slowly build of people who share similar values, and at the same time, you weed out all the others who don’t so you’re not exposed to any temptations to pursue other activities to gain social benefits.

You do what you want to do and the social benefits you get, come naturally as a side effect.

This article is a request from one of the members of the BrianKim.net Inner Circle. It’s one of the privileges membership has to offer.

Of all the topics out there, settling when it comes to marriage has got to rank up there as one of the most “tangled” questions.

There seems to be no “laser like, cut through, definitive answer” that separates all the various answers out there.

Some say don’t ever settle.
Some say you should settle before it’s too late.
Some say be “realistic”.

Each answer has a loyal following extolling their respective answer as the best one.

Marriage is one of life’s most important decisions so it’s understandable that people want to make sure they get it “right” when it comes to choosing who to marry, and by that, they mean not settling

Specifically, they don’t want to settle for second best.

They want the VERY best.

That’s part of the problem here though because when people use the word “settle”, it sets them up for failure and it shows them the wrong paradigm.

You can’t win when you use the word settle.

If you do settle, it implies there’s something better out there. It presupposes that you’ve given up in some sort of way.

But what if someone says I settled for the best?

Well, a part of you deep down inside might not feel that way later on when you meet other people. It’s like getting the best car, only to want the new model that comes out 2 years later with improved benefits and features.

Plus, there’s no such thing as “the best”.

That PERFECT individual doesn’t exist.

You might be thinking your SO is the perfect person but you’re probably in the honeymoon stage of the relationship when you say it. As time goes by, the flaws will appear. Nobody on this earth is perfect.

Nobody.

We are all imperfect.

I don’t care if you think such and such celebrity is perfect – that they have the whole package.

They don’t.

Nobody does. And this isn’t me being cynical at all.

It’s a fact of life.

Settling also implies a “hierarchy” model is in play but that’s not really the case.

It appears to be from the media standpoint but in real life, hierarchy doesn’t apply.

We have to topple the hierarchy and realize people are all on this same level called Earth – just choosing to travel different journeys.

And it’s up to you to find the person who wants to travel the same journey as you.

Everything else is secondary.

Instead of focusing on “settling”, we want to focus on how to know when a potential marriage partner is right FOR YOU.

That takes a lot of angst out of the whole situation.

Now when it comes to selecting a marriage partner, here’s how 99.9% of people do it.

They whip out the good old fashioned checklist.

He/she’s gotta have a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z,a1,b1,c1,d1, etc.

(On a brief side note, I remember a famous comedian asking the universal question:

“What do women want?”

His answer?

“EVERYTHING!” )

Ask for anybody’s checklist and you’ll see the same things popping up.

For women, it might be something like tall, dark, good looking, ambitious, “financially stable”, drives a nice car, has a good education, comes from a good family, has manners, is attentive to my needs, has a nice personality, is a great listener, kind, gentle, strong, masculine, and on and on and on.

For men, young, pretty, skinny, big breasts, nice legs, nice butt, great fit body, pretty smile, great personality, well educated, and on and on and on.

It’s almost as if we’re “shopping” for the right mate.

They have to have such and such features like we want on cell phones, cars, computers, etc.

But what happens when we buy the things we shop for?

We get buyers remorse.

Another better cell phone, car, computer comes along and we want to buy that instead.

That’s the inherent danger in using this checklist approach because it sets you up for failure as it narrows your vision to focus on the wrong things.

Throw the checklist approach out.

It’s not important.

Here’s what it is.

WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE?

What’s your VISION?

What are your VALUES?

Clarify THAT.

This is what people mean when they say to focus on yourself.

It’s to figure this stuff out so when you feel like you can get back into the dating scene, you know what you’re looking for.

You want somebody who shares the same vision as you do for life, who shares the same values.

That’s the big chunk. This is the 20% that accounts for the 80% (Pareto principle). This is the “core” that you should be looking for. This will solve the “checklist settlement syndrome” that plagues most people because once you find this, every little item on the checklist decreases in significance. Sure the additional stuff is nice, but it’s not that important anymore.

It helps you cast a wide net and find the right partner so you can get on with your life, rather than wasting time choosing not to settle because Amy, Stacy, and Jenny didn’t have x,y,z on your checklist.

But some may say isn’t looking for somebody who shares the same vision and values as you part of a checklist? Yes, but it’s at most a couple of points. It’s not 100 bullet points that you’re looking for. It’s the core. This is the meat. If you find somebody who has these core points, you’re almost there.

Once you have that nailed down, the rest is gravy. You can choose to have a few more checkpoints that are important to you but the hard part is pretty much over with.

Why?

Think about.

Couples who share the same vision for their future life together and have the same values instilled deep within will most likely have a successful marriage. They will push one another along. They’ll carry each other’s loads. There won’t be any fights over values. They’ll mostly be on the same page on the decisions they make which will be in harmony with their vision and values.

Compare that with a person who disregards all that and goes by the 100 quality checklist of the perfect man/woman instead and by some miracle, find somebody who meets 100% of the requirements.

It’s fine and all but check back a couple months later, you can see the cracks of divorce forming.

Why?

Both want different lives.

Both have different visions and values.

It’s the classic case of the old rich guy marrying the young pretty girl – yeah she meets all the checkpoints and it’s fun for a while but as time goes by, the vision and values don’t match. They’re not in the same place in life, they want and value separate things so they will inevitably drift apart.

It’s a disaster waiting to happen if you go into marriage without thinking what your vision is of married life, what you two want to accomplish together, what kind of ideal that’s greater than the both of you that you want to pursue.

That’s another thing that’s wrong with people who have the “settlement” mentality.

They view their partner as the end all, be all.

It’s NOT all about the other partner.

It’s not about marrying the perfect person – and then wiping your hands clean and saying “That’s it! I’ve done it!”

Sure you care about them but at the end of the day, it’s about something BIGGER than the both of you.

It’s an ideal, a vision you share that you work together on whether it’s just starting your own family, feeding the starving children of Africa, serving your religion the best way you both can, healing the planet, brining change to the government of the country you live in, etc.

When you step back and see that big picture, the nick nacks of the checklist get put in their place. They’re not that important.

The checklist is the sugar and salt. Great, but you can’t live on them for long.

You want the meat. The vision.

There’s a lot more to this such as how you should hold the standard of qualities you put on others to yourself as well but that’s for another time.

So for now, for the topic of settling, realize it’s not about settling.

That’s such a crappy word.

It’s about finding the right partner FOR YOU in life.

The right “relative” partner for you, not a “universal” one because there is no such thing.

It’s an image the media portrays – an image of the rich guy that’s tall dark and handsome with six pack abs and drives a Ferrari or the skinny 20 year old blonde girl with a nice chest and butt and tan and silky smooth legs with a pretty smile.

Let’s face it – looks and money are great, but looks fade over time and there’s no such thing as security when it comes to money.

It’s about finding somebody you shares the same “big” stuff as you – the values the vision. The rest is optional save for a few characteristics that are a must for the individual but for the most part, if you agree on the big stuff, the little stuff will work out too and be put in its place.

And you won’t feel like you’ve settled at all if you take this approach because you won’t have wasted time looking for the PERFECT person – just the right person for you that wants to travel the same journey with you.

I first met Ankita when she emailed me her story of how everything on this site, through the newsletter, the e-course, the articles, etc., has helped with the transformation she experienced in her life.

To quote the first paragraph from her initial email:

“Well, to start with reading your posts and articles have impacted me in a capacity that no other self-help book has ever done… I have traveled huge distances in my short life- from being a complete pessimist to a point wherein I have shifted beliefs to create the life I want to experience. Thanks to it, My journey has been awesome.. And it shall continue to be because now I know that we actually create our own reality.”

She then went on to describe how applying all the information she learned helped her to get a dream job with one of the best consulting firms in the world and not only that, it turned out to be a piece of cake for her!

Naturally, with this kind of 180 degree transformation story with the person getting exactly what they want, I was curious to learn more about it so in keeping with the tradition of all reader success stories, I sent her a list of questions to help better frame her story and save time on both ends. Below are the answers to those questions.

I want to thank Ankita for taking the time to answer these questions to tell her story. I really appreciate it!

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Can you please tell us a little bit about yourself Ankita?

I am identified generally from my loud voice and my big smile! I like to consider myself ZESTY. I love- Life, Friends, Family, Parties, Music and all good things that come with these. I love gossiping especially over Coffee. I love to party and dance my ass off to some great music. In a nutshell-I am crazy, loud, gossipy, fun, have a good sense of humor, laugh at the drop of the hat, love to be loved n love to live!

How did you come to find BrianKim.net?

It was many months ago. I was reading some motivational stuff online and just browsing through I landed on this site. I read a couple of articles and signed up instantly and ever since then this has become a regular exercise.

You wrote a very impressive sentence that stood out to me in your email: “I have traveled huge distances in my short life- from being a complete pessimist to a point wherein I have shifted beliefs to create the life I want to experience.” Do you mind giving us a little background on that period of time when you were a complete pessimist? What do you think in your opinion contributed to that?

Well until a year ago I was a doom & gloom pessimist. I constantly complicated things for myself. I always complained about the inequities of life, took the opposing view in any positive conversation and always looked at the worst side of a situation.

For the answer to “what cause this pessimist or negativity” I would like to relate to your articles on How To Maximize The Power Of Your Mind. As you wrote in the Day 3 of the article, “Most people are always thinking in terms of negative thoughts and as a result, their attitudes and actions match those thoughts accordingly”. I completely second that and this is coming from my personal experience: The more you feed your subconscious mind with negative thoughts about yourself and others the more it dominates/influences our actions and thoughts. It’s like a vicious circle.

Can you expand on the second part of the sentence in the previous question, on how you have “shifted beliefs to create the life I want to experience”?

When I saw “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne and read your articles specially the How to maximize the power of your mind (5 days), It s made me open my eyes and consider how I may negatively be contributing to various aspects of my life. I realized that I was focusing on the negatives in my life. I understood that thoughts are pure energy and the moment i understood the power of my THOUGHTS, I dedicated 100% of my mind to positive thinking.

You mentioned that you got your dream job and I want to congratulate you on that! Can you take us through what you did that made it so easy for you?

I got a job with one of the best consulting firms in the world and honestly I have had no previous experience to boast of. This job had been my dream and I worked towards it. I created a visualization board and put the logo of the company. I studies day and night and I kept visualizing myself giving the interview and it turning out to be a piece of cake contrary to the beliefs of my peers and miraculously it did happen. All my 5 rounds of interviews went so smoothly that I knew it right there and then that I have made it. During all my interview rounds, it felt like De-javu (Thanks to my visualizations).I was amazed with the power of the conscious and subconscious mind! It was like I was placing my request to the universe and it was being delivered. I don’t know how it happened, but the universe made sure I received that job!!

Given all that you’ve experienced, what have you learned about the power of the conscious and subconscious mind?

I realized that our mind is nothing but a blank slate at birth which gets filled up with what it sees and understands through experience. Your articles helped me to understand that mind can be classified as:

Conscious mind: That part which is only functional and responds when you are wide awake.

Sub-Conscious mind: The part which is always functional but you never get to know its presence

Since the mind reflects habitual thoughts, it is therefore our responsibility to influence our mind and brain with positive emotions, thoughts and energy as the dominating factors in our mind.

What kind of things did you do help you when you started feeling low and that voice of doubt crept into your mind?

I agree Fear and doubt are the two most limiting emotions EVER. And it is caused because of the negative self-talk which leads to limiting actions and behaviors. Everyone will always have fears and doubts at some point and the trick is to make them your bitch and use them to move you to action. When I faced such moments, I reassure myself of everything positive that I want to happen in my life. I thought that these are just traces left behind from my old subconscious, trying to fight its way back in my life. At such point, I made the maximum use of all resources available to me: Like THE SECRET DVD, A FEW ARTICLES FROM BRIAN KIM WHICH I HAVE PRINTED OUT AND KEEP WITH ME IN MY BAG etc which help me to fight my negative emotions. Also, another favourtie is this song below:

This is the Best rendition of this song I have heard, and this artist is Amazing! This song lifts my spirit every time I listen to it! This was a Flawless and Awesome Performance and she perfectly conveys that your strength knows no bound when you do one thing: BELIEVE, you can fly… and you will!!

You mentioned you’re applying what you learned to other aspects of your life. Do you mind sharing what those are?

I visualize a life of abundance.. I see good times ahead- Strength. Vision. Dreams. Love. Friendship. Goals. Life. Accomplishment!. I believe that There is a new World out there…. one of my making. One of my dreams. And one that I will conquer. I BELIEVE it and FEEL it. This feeling of being invincible, wide eyed, care free and optimistic helps me move forward and enjoy this journey. I am applying my learnings to lead a healthy, happy life abundant on all aspects.

What kind of advice do you want to give those who started out like you, who are currently complete pessimists?

Well to all those who are recovering pessimists or are predisposed to a pessimistic viewpoint, I would say: Identify the irrational thinking behind your negativity. Pessimism is not born of blindness; it is because of your constant focus on failure and other negative feelings. Surround yourself with positive people and feed your mind with positive thoughts. Please read Brian Kim’s articles everyday and they will certainly make your journey of self improvement a lot easier. Challenge and channel your perspective: When something doesn’t go well, find a way to reframe it in a more positive perspective.

Any last words of advice you want to give that was not covered in these questions?
Learning how to stop being negative is not rocket science. Follow Nike’s advise and ”JUST DO IT”. If I could then so can YOU!

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I want to thank Ankita again for taking the time to write and share her story. I really appreciate it!

We always love to see people make that 180 degree change in their lives. It’s a beautiful thing indeed!

And in ALL those stories, as in Ankita’s, the protagonist always stumbles on valuable information whether through books or through a mentor, changes his/her thinking, applies what they’ve learned, and gets what they want, and in turn creates the experience in life they want.

And they are never, EVER the same afterwards.

A couple of things I want to point out from Ankita’s story is the power of EMOTION and CONSISTENCY.

It’s easy to see from her writing she’s a very energetic and passionate person and she describers herself as such. With that kind of energy, it’s easy to polarize in terms of thinking – whether negative or positive.

You’re either going to go down the dark road and reap those seeds or vice versa.

Prior to this, her energy was polarized toward negative thinking but she soon changed that and you can see what happened as a result.

EMOTIONAL ENERGY, positive or negative, penetrates the subconscious mind and begins to influence your life in ways you can’t even begin to imagine.

For Ankita, she injected POSITIVE emotional energy and she was CONSISTENT in it through various activities such as visualization and reading of articles she kept in her bag.

As a result, all that helped to influence her thoughts and actions that were conducive in helping her get the dream job she wanted. All her mannerisms, words, actions, the vibe, etc., she gave to the people interviewing her were conducive to the visualizations she had that she was CONSISTENT in practicing.

As a result, she got it – much to the amazement of friends and families who thought she couldn’t get it, a dream job with one of the top consulting firms in the world and in this kind of bad economy too!

I also want to point out CONSISTENCY will also squash any lingering effects of negative thinking as well from the past. As you can see from her story, she felt her old ways starting to creep back up but she maximized all her resources CONSISTENTLY to keep it from coming back to life.

You can tell that her life will never be the same. Just look at what she wrote:

“I visualize a life of abundance.. I see good times ahead- Strength. Vision. Dreams. Love. Friendship. Goals. Life. Accomplishment!. I believe that There is a new World out there…. one of my making. One of my dreams. And one that I will conquer. I BELIEVE it and FEEL it. This feeling of being invincible, wide eyed, care free and optimistic helps me move forward and enjoy this journey.”

Everyone who has ever experienced significant change in their lives can relate EXACTLY to those words.

It’s what we all came to realize when we knew our lives would never be the same afterwards.

That we truly do have the power to make our lives exactly as we see it.